Since that first class, three and a half years ago, I have stopped all destructive behaviour towards myself and finally broken out of the never ending cycle of self hatred. I have learned to love myself and my body and be comfortable with myself as a woman.

When I began I felt about as graceful as John Wayne, I notice a huge difference now. Even before losing weight dancing really toned what was there, plus, the dance and supporting each other means a larger body is immaterial. Dancing, socialising, wearing lovely clothes encouraging and being encouraged by friends etc etc I feel like new woman.
(Belly dance student who has, under medical supervision, come off anti-depressant medication)

Letter 1:

This letter is not easy for me to write. However, there is something I would like to tell you. This is in line with your charity activity. I think your idea has a huge potential to do a lot of good...

There was a time in my life when I started to diet... for fun, to show control over my life, to be perfect, to be free and light for a moment I was this angel...I weighted 2/3 of what I am now, people called it "ana"...

There are two ways of getting out of it - death or another eating disorder. when you are "ana" there is strength in you and you can fly. but there is a time when you cannot any more and you are falling down into a real hell. your body screams for help and does not allow you to rule. There is bulimia, depression, binge eating disorder, many others. horrible feelings that no one understands, no one can hear your silent cry. you are completely alone. you cannot control your body any more and you start putting back on weight. You cannot stop thinking about it and about food at the same time. Lack of control and despair - that's all that you feel. You’re losing and gaining weight over and over fighting and being defeated constantly. and your desire for perfection...- kills you...

At some point you are not able to think about anything else apart from food, diet, and so on. You really forget how it is to live normally, being free from thoughts about calories and fat. you measure yourself according to your weight and because you are not prefect - you lose respect for yourself. you hate your body, you avoid time out; joy of life is not for you any more. constant remorse and fight on your own. this can take months, years. this time basically vanishes from your life.

I have had my ED for 7,8 years; I forgot the worse so far. However there is always some trace of what you have experienced. When I firstt started bellydancing classes I was still fighting. and then I started to enjoy dancing. it was great! and this term...when I practice routine, every day, watching youtube clips - I realise that you don't have to be extremely slim to be beautiful and sexy. you don't have to be skinny to be a good dancer! Moreover I have REALLY believed in that. What I've found out is that through the dance you can start to like your body and you can become more self-confident. you are able to raise your head and start to enjoy being as you are and who you are. all because of dance! the most important thing is that you can increase your self-confidence. and this is what you lose to a great extent when you suffer from ED.

I don't know exactly what your organization is doing. however, should there be any way I could help you, please do not hesitate to contact me. I will be more than happy to help others get out from hell... they are worth it!

At first I was very unsure about dancing again. I am enjoying it now, even feel able to wear a crop top. One day might even dance out of class with others. I would (and have) recommended belly dance to clients who want to improve flexibility, or to help build confidence in their own appearance.

I feel happier with my body and more comfortable with my body. It has not improved my confidence as I was already confident but it has helped me feel more content with my body which has given me better self image.

I find now that in situations where I need to talk to people I stand straighter. Its made me more able to work within a team and from performing my self confidence has grown. Also gives you the ability to laugh at yourself and realise that when things go wrong or you forget a move its not the end of the world.

Letter 2:

Self image has always been a problem for me. I was “the chubby kid” at school and got the usual teasing that you would expect from kids being kids. I was never really bullied, but the little, barbed comments made an impact. I was never athletic, but I played the clarinet and I sang, so I joined the school choir and orchestra, ending up being one of the leads in the secondary school end of year musical. Rehearsals began and I had only one real fear – at one point in the show, my character is thrown over the villain’s shoulder and is about to be carried off when her beau arrives and saves the day…

The lad playing the villain was the strapping captain of the school Rugby Team… and I was terrified that I would be too heavy for him to lift. What would happen then? How embarrassing would that be! In the end my fears were unfounded. He picked me up easily… and for three nights in June that year I was thrown over his shoulder, only to be “rescued” by an equally good-looking young man.

I still remained heavier than most of the folks in school around me. I was a size 18 by the time I was seventeen, cutting out the size labels in my clothes so that no one else would find out. I even spent an unsuccessful month on “The Cambridge Diet”. I lost a grand total of 5lbs and finally gave up because I couldn’t physically swallow the shakes, soups and bars anymore.

At college, I applied to join the University Air Squadron and got knocked back on the medical because I was 15 stone by then, out-with the magic weight/height restriction. I spent eighteen months at college, watching the friends I made there fall in and out of relationships while no one even seemed interested in me. Well, why would they? I was the fat chick: the comedy relief.

Then, I was selected from hundreds of others to train in the job of my dreams... There was only one stumbling block – I had to pass a strict medical. Would I pass the medical being so heavy?

In the end I did, but not without comment from the AME…

During training, everyone was living off of fast food, as was I – only I didn’t realise how much weight I was putting on until I hit the eighteen stone mark…

I made a real effort to take control of the weight-gain and try to reverse it. I was going to Step Aerobics classes three times a week… and every morning I would weigh myself, and day after day my weight stuck stubbornly at eighteen-and-a-half stone. Being young and stupid I didn’t realise that muscle weighs more than fat. I never paid any attention to my clothes getting slightly looser, I was totally transfixed by the dial on the scales that refused to budge and I was heading down into a really bad place, emotionally.

Then I saw an advert for a local Karate dojo. I phoned and they welcomed me warmly, pointing out that I might be carrying some extra weight but that I was really supple and that was what mattered. Not to me it didn’t.

I loved it, though, and in the end, I was training four nights a week – eight hours karate training a week and I still couldn’t see past the scales. I ended up being chosen to fight at the Three Nations Karate Championships in Cardiff, but any pride I found in that was destroyed by my self-image problems and how fat I looked in the video of the event.

Then my friend asked me to be bridesmaid at her wedding.

I have no photographs of me in my dress. Seeing the wedding album was completely demoralising. All I saw was that I was twice as wide as C in her wedding dress. Why would I want to be reminded of that?

C mentioned that a male friend of hers had seen the pictures and commented that I looked like I would be good laugh – which only reinforced the fat-chick/comedy-relief issues.

I went to work for another company, which meant moving away from my Karate dojo, but I joined a gym. I bought an aerobics step and when I couldn’t get to the gym, I followed Cher on a video at home. But I still couldn’t shift the weight. I was doing all the right things, eating lots of pasta and chicken and vegetables – admittedly with the occasional chocolate bar - but I still couldn’t go into Next or River Island or Dorothy Perkins and buy clothes. I had to go to Evans.

I was offered more money with another company and moved again... and things went from bad to worse emotionally. My best friend asked me to be bridesmaid at her wedding…

Remembering C’s wedding, I vowed that I wouldn’t go through that humiliation again… so I simply stopped eating. It wasn’t even an actual decision that I made, I just sort of fell into it. One day I forgot to take my lunch to work, but I’d had a good breakfast and lunchtime came and went and I wasn’t particularly hungry…

I finished my shift and on the drive home I found myself thinking “Well, I’ve not eaten lunch… maybe I could skip dinner too?”

The next morning, I was hungry, so I had toast for breakfast, but no lunch or dinner again. I did the same stupid thing for another three days. The uncomfortable hunger pangs were subdued a little with water or some carrots, but deep inside I believed that the hunger pangs were a good thing, because I was in control. The discomfort in my body was proof that I was forcing my body to lose weight because if I wasn’t eating anything then I had to be losing weight. Of course, I told myself, I wouldn’t go on with it too long, just long enough to drop a good few pounds quickly…

It didn’t occur to me that I was risking my job. It didn’t occur to me that I was risking my health and my sanity. For that one, insane, week I simply wasn’t thinking.

I’m not sure what would have happened if I hadn’t been going to T's to discuss dresses and things for the wedding that weekend. I knew I would have to eat dinner down at T’s so I didn’t have breakfast or lunch before driving over …

I have no idea what alerted her to my idiocy. T struggled with Bulimia for a time, though, so maybe she saw some warning sign. She sat me down and asked me what the hell I was playing at. I, of course, lied about what I was doing… but she persisted… until she turned me into a weeping wreck and gave me a rollocking – then hugged me and told me that she wanted me alive and well at her wedding. She made me eat properly that weekend and checked on me afterwards for a while to see how I was doing. Without her intervention, I have no idea where I might have been, but it wouldn't have been a good place...

I don’t have any photographs of me in that bridesmaid dress, though…

I tried Slimming World, Weight Watchers, Slim Fast… but the issues didn’t go and neither did the weight. I gave up with diets and went back to the gym. My trainer was astounded when she stood me on the scales – and I was over twenty stone.

I went to the doctor and asked to have my thyroid checked. The slender and extremely unhelpful doctor informed me that there was “far more to hypothyroidism” than “simply” being overweight, but at least she agreed to do the test. Of course, it came back “normal”

At that point I simply gave up, resigning myself to being the fat-chick/comedy-relief. I have no mirrors in my house. I threw out the scales. I avoided looking at photographs of myself, and when I couldn’t avoid seeing them, I said nothing at the time but broke my heart afterwards.

I fell in love. He was amazing and I couldn’t believe it when I realised that he was interested in me. My self-image problems plagued me even more though, because now I was preoccupied about embarrassing him with what I was wearing and how I looked…

Of course, it ended disastrously. I fell apart, but anger helped me pull myself back together…

Then, two things happened about the same time – I found belly dance and the Atkins diet.

There’s been a lot of bad press about Atkins, but it was my weight-gain savour. For years I had been eating lots of high-carb, low-fat food like pasta. That’s what you’re supposed to eat to lose weight… unless, of course, it turns out that you have a problem with wheat. The discomfort, bloating and horrendous acid indigestion I had been living with for years disappeared almost overnight…

I didn’t stay on the Atkins long, but I cut wheat out of my diet and the weight started to come off. I went for my bi-annual medical and I had lost over a stone-and-a-half.

I was belly dancing too and I loved it, especially when I realised that I wasn’t that bad at it.

When other dancers that I really admired came up and gave me lovely complements, it boosted me no end and I was happy… as long as I didn’t see any photographs or video footage. I avoided anything that would remind me that the woman I had come to believe myself to be, wasn’t the woman that I truly was.

But something strange has happened tonight…

Tonight I saw photographs of myself dancing at the hafla and for the first time I didn’t cringe. I admit to a wince or two… until I saw one particular photograph… and my reaction was, “Ohh… That’s beautiful…”

Me! Thinking I look beautiful!!!! I never think I look beautiful: pretty or nice-in-what-I’m-wearing, but never beautiful.

Belly dance has done that for me. My belly dance teachers have done that for me! Without them, I would never have been at that hafla for that photograph to be taken.

What could have happened if I had found belly dance sooner? Where would I have been now if I had had the chance to fall in love with the vertical eights and the snaky arms and the shimmies, three or four (or ten or twenty) years before I actually did? Where would I have been if I had been belly dancing instead of weight training?

There are no words to describe the feeling I get when I’m out on that dance floor performing. The energy is amazing. I’m a nervous wreck before I go out, but once I’m there, with the music going and everyone watching me, the fat-chick/comedy-relief disappears and instead there is a proud, confident woman who feels sexy and loves the moves of belly dance. Getting that feedback, that energy, from all those women gives me a feeling that nothing else has ever done.

When I heard about ConfiDance for Life I was so excited, because ConfiDance for Life is going to give people that opportunity - to help them reassert the beauty before the rot sets in.

Something else happened at that hafla. A “curvy lady” stopped me. She told me that I had inspired her. She said that she had big problems with the way that she looked but having seen me dance she was going to go home and totally re-evaluate how she saw herself because she was so inspired…

At the time I felt such a fraud because, only two nights before, I had been cringing at the DVD of me dancing at another hafla.

I smiled, though, and thanked the woman, telling her that I was honoured and glad that I had inspired her and helped her. I had people trying to buy raffle tickets from me, though, and then the dancing started again and by the time I had a chance to go back and talk to her more, she had gone.

I regret not spending more time talking to her and not getting her name but I don’t feel a fraud any more - because I’ve looked at those hafla photos and for the first time I’ve liked something that I’ve seen. I know I have a ways to go, that this is just a first step, but right now the fat-chick/comedy-relief has been replaced by a dancer. She inspires! She is beautiful!

Gail Wood, in her book Sisters of the Dark Moon, says – “Often the media bombards us with images that tell us that our body is unacceptable and we learn to hate our bodies. The Earth Maiden may then become neurotic and abuse herself. It is by accepting herself as she is that the Earth Maiden becomes a joyful, connected woman, expressing herself through her body.”

Belly dance has shown me how to express myself through my body. And after tonight, I think I am a huge step closer to accepting myself as I am. I’m even considering getting a mirror for the living room, so I can check on my isolation when I practice!!!

Mirrors for a beautiful woman… and from my own lips. Who’d have thought!

Love and Light
Walk in Beauty

I have accepted my ‘fat bits’ now. My self confidence has improved beyond belief. I have had to do quite a few ‘public appearances’ lately. Couldn’t have done that before. Made new friends, enjoyed haflas and performed in public..

I have accepted my ‘fat bits’ now. My self confidence has improved beyond belief. I have had to do quite a few ‘public appearances’ lately. Couldn’t have done that before. Made new friends, enjoyed haflas and performed in public..